Journal

Can I Call You A Journal?

Felt depressed and worthless last night after being passed over in favor of kids doing crappy cover songs. Felt like a good dog passed over for a sloppy puppy. But realized that some people are in the music business just for money. You’d make more money selling cute puppies than good older dogs with a story; they make more money selling cute pathetic kids than powerful songwriters and artists.

Glad Josh and I were able to perform together. Met some cool people with whom I may collaborate in the near future. But overall determined to avoid shit shows like that at all costs. I want to be appreciated for my art, not criticized for my honesty.

Speaking of critics, my mother-in-law had the audacity to rant about how inappropriate The Reverend was in her opinion to my best friend. She thinks it was too personal for me to share my past. Meanwhile she shares everyone else’s pasts with whoever will listen. I just want to remind her that she is not an artist, is not an intellectual, and is not responsible for spreading everyone else’s business.

Speaking of business, STL is closing in May after this school year. I need to did a job. I don’t want too. I love St. Luke’s and feel a bit of denial regarding its closing.

Maslow Reflection

Okay. Lots and lots of stuff going on in my life right now that I will catch you up on in a later post. But this week, I’ve been studying motivation in psychology and found myself especially interested in comparing my own life to Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (pictured). I’m going to work through each level from the bottom up and list how each of these needs is neglected or fulfilled in my life.

Physiological: Lungs are fine; I’m breathing. Joshua cooks and gets me drinks; food and water are satisfied. Joshua provides sex. Thanks to melatonin pills, I get sleep. My body relies upon medication, but it maintains homeostasis well. I urinate fine, but do have struggles excreting the other; thank goodness for veggie laxatives. All physiological needs are currently met.

Safety: I live in a safe environment and further protect my body with covering clothing, necessary medicines, and my husband’s protection. I am currently employed, but our school is shutting down at the end of this year. My future employment is up in the air. We have money saved and are making ends meet. I would like to have a little more room to help pay for school, but we’re making it. My in-laws are moral as is my husband; I feel secure in our morality. I have a supportive husband and best friend (my family). I have not been ill and have been actively treating my mental health issues. We do not have our own house, but we have lived in our home for three years and love it; we are secure here. Overall, I am satisfied in safety with the two major issues being future employment and a desire for increased resources.

Love/Belonging: My two best friends are my husband and Macky-J. I get to see Mack once or twice a week. I also have my husband’s family as friends and a few coworker with whom I may talk. I feel like I am generally accepted by my in-laws. I have no relation with my biological family, but am okay with the family I have built now. I especially feel that I belong with my husband who provides me with unconditional love, empathy, genuine relations, and sexual intimacy. I also feel loved by Mary, my doctor. Overall, my need of love/belonging is fulfilled by my husband, best friend, in-laws, and my doctor.

Esteem: I have varying self-esteem depending on the day, but overall, I like the way I look, my opinions, my talents, the life I live, etc. I have confidence in my abilities and in my personal strength. I feel that I am well on my way to great achievement and feel that although my life is different than others, it is much more fulfilling and diverse in experience than most peoples’ lives. I respect other people and forgive easily, but will not back down from my convictions. Most people respect me; some question my personal style of living and acting and thinking, but I feel generally respected for my intellect and strength of person. Overall, my need for esteem is fulfilled.

Self-actualization: I have staunch personal morals which include unconditional love, genuine-ness, and empathy as well as an emphasis upon personal development. I express creativity at work, in song, in art, and in daily life as an offbeat and spontaneous person. I can easily solve most problems presented to me probably due to resilience and abstract thinking. I do have prejudice against people who remind me of my biological family, but overall I am very loving and accepting of most people. I accept facts only after questioning and coming to understand them myself. I do not accept every ‘fact’ thrown my way. Overall, my need for self-actualization feels fulfilled.

Looking at my life in comparison to the hierarchy makes me feel better about my life and my self. In the case of particular areas in which I struggle, I feel I have done a good job easing the fault and solving the issues. As part of my personal morals, of course, I will continue in my quest for further personal progression.

 

The Hurt and The Must

Girl in front of mirror - Pablo Picasso I’m trying to figure out who these people are inside of me. I know that I switch and I’m one, and then I switch and I’m another. I feel aware of two of them. I’ve known about them, but hadn’t known how to vocalize that knowledge until recently. I need to name them or something so that I can organize them a little bit. One will be The Hurt and the other will be The Must.

The past two and half years, my normal me is The Must. She loves Husband, is thankful for her job, works hard, keeps the house clean, believes in God. She carries the past in a piece of luggage, but tries not to open it. The Must is a normal wife, with normal sexual needs.

The Hurt is the one that comes out and confuses people. The Hurt thinks that she loves Patrick. The hurt wants to be dominated sexually. The Hurt writes the best music and plays guitar and turns into The Reverend on stage. The Hurt wants to smash people and scream and cry. The Hurt hates that she is married, hates what her life has become. The Hurt wants to run away. The Hurt knows that Husband blackmailed me into marrying him. The Hurt carries all of the past like broken armor on her chest and back.

The Must and The Hurt interact. Last night, I was The Hurt. When I am The Hurt, I feel like she is the real me. She screams and screams, cries out that the life she is living isn’t fair, that she was forced to take on The Must to survive. The Hurt was homeless, raped, molested, abused, blackmailed, and desperate. So a switch just flicked and she became The Must. The Must married into a well-off family and tried to kill off The Hurt. Everything The Hurt is dealing with is just intolerable to The Must.

Hannah and Landon: doomed desert days / photo by  Shae Acopian Detar

When I was The Hurt last night, I planned to meet Patrick today. I was so angry with Josh and so hurt that he blackmailed me and angry at everything that happened. I was craving intimacy with Patrick. Craving making music with Patrick. Craving being away and being The Hurt completely. Then I hated myself so much for what I am. If I try to make one of me happy, I stab the other one. The Hurt decided to sacrifice herself to The Must last night, or at least try to. She submitted to Husband. She let husband take out all of his anger on The Hurt. He wants to control The Hurt because he’s scared that he’ll lose both of us, The Hurt and The Must. That’s why he blackmailed me. He stripped me down, told me to lay face down, pinned my legs and arms, put one hand on my throat and the other in my hair, and took it all out on me.

I fell asleep. So tired. So broken. And I woke up The Must. I felt so disappointed at The Hurt for making those plans with Patrick. But I sacrificed her to Husband last night. I let him rape her and then I tied her up and locked her away. I know she wants to see Patrick, but I can’t let her. I don’t want to see him.